 |
Stride from the hip girl. You’ve got it, so flaunt it. Nipples erect! Turn those headlights on. Balls is weighed, not counted!
The early afternoon sun lit the burnished ends of her hair as they flounced around her alabaster throat, with its slowly spreading crimson stain. She jammed the outsized Donnatella Vs onto the bridge of her nose.
Don’t look around, she repeated to herself. Do not look around. Don’t give him the satisfaction. You have come this far, you can go all the way.
Small pebbles flicked from the bitumen with every clunk of her Jimmy Chu’s. A few more strides and she would disappear from his sight. Their sight. The sight of them. The two of them, going hell for leather on her imported beige Natuzzi three seater.
She could not suppress a giggle as she role-played requesting a replacement from David Jones’ because the leather was stained.
8 comments:
Wonderful image and words!
I feel as if the narration in the first paragraph is a bit "overdone". For me, after that it's a good story.
I wonder if it may have been better to have broken those segments (in the first para) up and scattered them throughout the story, giving them to the woman to articulate?
Hey, Julie! I agree with Joan - the first paragraph didn't really gel with the rest. I loved the rest - great job 'showing' versus 'telling'. Not sure if you'd need to slip those segments in - I think the emotion comes through very well without them :)
Another great slice of life.
Julie, I was thinking about this story today ... it's my day for commuting to the city so I had several hours to think so why not think about your stories.
The content of the first para is powerful but my latest thought is that it's that over opinionated intrusive narrator surfacing again. If the words were put in the context of what SHE is thinking then they would work fine. Or if the narrator stuck to observing not cheering her on that would be fine too.
BTW more gorgeous weather down the lowlands today, I'm getting jealous.
It worked for me except I thought brand names were a little overdone.
Hah! Sorry about occupying your spare thoughts. Maybe you are on the cusp of your own great experiment. It does make you look at and listen to things differently, more absorbently is you get what I mean!
I can see the "cheering her on" hassle. However, when I am writing, I am sooo on the side of my characters. I almost jump into their skin. I guess that is what editing is for.
In fact, I guess that is why one writes, and then leaves for a few days. I don't give my pieces that respect as yet.
Not a simpe thing to do, this writing lark.
Post a Comment