Tuesday, April 27, 2010

117. With an eye to the future


Draft 1 - Prose form

Cocooned in their own intensity, with a hovering aura of muted voices, their presence is not immediately apparent. The dappled sunlight plays within the greensward, as the springy grasses muffle the outside world and the shade plays relief to the still humid air of late summer. The ongoing murmuring provides evidence that this is no casual encounter. They have a job to do.

The lilting female voice is accompanied by sculpting gestures that slice the air, interrupted briefly by the gentle prompts of her amanuensis – a Regency dance replete with bonnet and waistcoat. They pay little head to the temporal space they occupy, nor to the passage of time. This pairing is not for hurrying. They are in a world of their own making, a cerebral world.

Recording the past for the future requires an exactitude that brooks no interruption. I beat a soft retreat back from whence I came.

Draft 2 - Verse form

A self-conscious hesitation halts my bold progress.

Cocooned in an intimate intensity
muted voices create a shimmering aura.
Sunlight dapples the carpet of lawn -
muffling reality’s encroaching cacophony.

The close breathed air of late summer
stills her delving into memory’s crevasse.
Their comfortable interaction of body and mind -
Evidences this is no chance encounter.

An inquisition of sculpting
Gestures slice the soupy air.
Interrupted briefly by gentle promptings –
an deftly choreographed allemande.

Time eludes them just as
They are blind to their surroundings.
Memory is not for hurrying -
Requiring respect, before gently unravelling.

As midwives in attendance at a birthing
These oral historians construct their framework
Assiduously, a brick at a time
From fragmented primary sources.

Documents and dross, detail and trivia
Neither ruled in nor ruled out,
When ploughing the monotone past
For intimations of immortality.

I beat a soft retreat back from whence I came.

7 comments:

Julie said...

If I can find time later today, I will see if I can convert this to verse. It cries out for that format.

Joan Elizabeth said...

I like the piece a lot except for
"amanuensis – a Regency dance replete with bonnet and waistcoat"

Firstly I didn't know what an amanuensis was until I looked it up. Secondly, I get the dance but not the bonnet and waistcoat.

Yes it is very lyrical. Don't know if it will work in verse though. I'd be interested in the result if you do give it a try.

Julie said...

Okay, taa. I am in the midst of it now. That helps.

diane said...

Both are nice pieces. You have a gift with words.

Vicki said...

I like both forms, but for me, the verse wins hands down. The only thing for me is I would start with "Cocooned in an intimate intensity
muted voices create a shimmering aura."

It's a fabulous turn of phrase.

corticoWhat said...

I sure enjoy reading the forms and comparing the differences. It stretches the mental rubber bands.

Joan Elizabeth said...

I think "Cocooned" is a better starting point too. And yes I like the poetry piece but it's even stevens for me on which is better.